Forward-Thinking Madness

Yes, it is my “Holiday List,” or “Christmas List,” whatever you’d like to call it. Here goes (in no particular order, some are serious & others are not-so-serious):
- New rear drum brakes for my car.
- New tires
- A shopping spree at J. Crew (!)
- A pair of those fake Ugg suede boots that seem ever-so-trendy. Gee, I want to be trendy too! (I feel foolish wearing boots in Florida during the “winter.”)
- Some of that fancy “Philosophy” moisturizer that claims to be “Hope in a Jar.”
- A digital SLR camera
- Something made of cashmere
- For everyone to use hyphens correctly
- World peace (obligatory)
- A 2009 black Toyota Prius (yeah, this is not a serious one but a pipedream.)
- Fifteen minutes in a boxing ring with my ex (Roundhouse kick to the face!)
- Diamond earrings (LOL)
- New cross trainers & running shoes
- A vacation to somewhere that exudes peace & quiet
- New glasses & sunglasses
- My sanity to return to me. (That’s not going to happen.)

OK, had to get that out of my system. I’m thinking if I cover one of these items, I’m doing well. (Besides, we all can dream, can’t we?)

Due to budget constraints, I did not complete a triathlon in 2009. I was not a) able to get a bike and b) afford swimming lessons. (Yes, I need lessons. I swim like I am trying not to drown. It’s not efficient at all. I need to get over my fear of water.) However, at the gym yesterday the instructor @ Body Pump mentioned a triathlon challenge in which you can bike the 112 miles, run 26.2 miles and swim 2.4 miles in a month. And this is happening in January 2010. Registration is only $35, spinning class counts toward your biking mileage & hey, there’s always that free t-shirt.

Happy New Year to me. I’m a glutton for punishment.

December will arrive in a matter of two hours. I’m having trouble grasping that 2009 is just about over. Here I am, preparing myself to do all those ridiculous December-esque things like making plans for Christmas & holiday shopping. (I am streamlining the holiday gift process by limiting my shopping to one person: my niece. Granted, there will be a few small gifts for friends and other family, but with the state of my own personal economy, I’m going to keep it lite. There are other important items to purchase on my radar than a holiday gift extravaganza.)

The most painful December ordeal is reviewing the year in my mind. This year had mostly negative repercussions, but there were a few positives that did happen toward the end of the year that have defined the path I need to take in 2010. No need to revisit the past in depth – I toy with it all in my mind, but I’m not ready to sit down and write it all out yet. Perhaps that will be one of my 2010 resolutions? Perhaps.

And so November comes to a close – and it did so on a low note. I battled a tension headache all day that was accompanied by nausea & dizziness. I thought that would have happened the day after Thanksgiving, after all the two mojitos, three glasses of wine, and half of a rum and coke that had too much of a bite….

…Or whatever you want to call it: Runner’s Knee, Patellar Tendinitis, etc.. Taking a break for a couple days and then going to cross-train before I end up hobbling around. My knees have been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but I think spinning has exacerbated it. I’ve only been able to run once a week & even Body Combat caused a bit of pain tonight. I think bad alignment is part of the cause, but it’s not like I’m a car..I can’t take myself into the shop, get hooked up to a computer, and get re-aligned.

I have to say November 21, 2008 to November 20, 2009 was rough at times. I got rid of the terrible boyfriend, which I was easier than I thought it would be (thanks to keeping myself sidetracked at the gym; since breaking up with him I’ve lost weight.) This is not where I imagined I would be on November 20, 2009, but I certainly would not want to go back a year ago and do it over again. I think if me today could go back a year, I’d get myself away from him. Of course I had to go through this all for a reason, at least I hope there is a reason? Time passes so quickly. I know that sounds cliche of me, but it is indeed true. Four years ago I moved back to Florida – has it been that long?

Before I start reminiscing until I go crazy, I’ll end here. Here’s to hoping that thirty-two will be better & whatever is next on my radar decides to get moving. I’m growing impatient. Before I know it, I’ll be hobbling around as a senior citizen, defeated both by time & gravity.

P.S. I hate birthdays. They stopped being fun after like .. the tenth one?

It’s that time again: to start shopping around for new running shoes & cross-trainers. I’m not running as much as I used to right now due to a nagging injury (achilles tendons & ankles), but still need to get a new pair as it’s important to make sure that when I do run, I have the proper support. So how does this process start? Online research, reading through Runner’s World, & going and trying on a massive amount of shoes. I have been collecting names of shoes in my iPhone so I can head over to Fit 2 Run in Tampa & start trying shoes on. I think I will need my trainers first, then running shoes in January. First two trainers to find & try on: Ryka Assist XT and Asics Gel Fluent TR2.

Ouch. Let me reiterate that: ouch. I am sore in places I didn’t know existed. I went to the gym last night and first tackled running for the first time in a week and a half. My left ankle has been bothering me so I decided to give it a bit of rest. The run was fine, a quick 1.75 miles before class. I have not had the chance to take the new Les Mills’ Body Pump Release 71 (at least it’s new at our gym – 72 should be coming out soon?) Anyway, after about four years of taking Body Pump, I think this is the hardest release I’ve done. There are a lot of transitions within tracks, like with the shoulder track (rear deltoid raises, lateral raise, to push-ups & overhead press. Lather, rinse repeat! Ouch!) The abs tracker was harder than usual, but I always thought that not enough time was dedicated to the core in Body Pump. There was a new lady in class last night and I felt a little bad for her, but she kept her spirits up. This was not a release to take if you’ve never taken Body Pump before. (I was also disappointed that the instructor didn’t do a better job of explaining some of the “moves” to the new lady.)

I woke up pretty much stiff as a board, so I decided to take Bodyflow, another Les Mills’ class, to loosen up a bit. Needless to say, I keep forgetting how hard Yoga, Tai Chi & Pilates are. I’m lacking in the balance & flexibility department.

Tonight, it is the 30-minute core conditioning class & Body Combat.

Must keep pressing forward to keep my mind busy…. & the gym has always been good for that.

The Jose women celebrating Halloween.

At Maria & Jim’s Halloween Party, 10/31/09: Maria, Mayette & Me, enjoying lemon drop martinis.

I am far too quiet. Words are trapped inside – they come out in random spurts when I least expect it, or when I am least prepared. No pencil, no pen – is there any paper around? The truth is, I haven’t written in an actual physical journal in over a year, and the last one was a ridiculous, blathering chronicle written for someone who really did not deserve it. I read through it and it’s just meaningless scrap. I should have written to a brick wall. Blah blah, blatherskite.

I am hopeful that the words will find a way out into a form far more meaningful because they are deafening at this point, wanting desperately to be heard. Extracting them will be like surgery: I need to find the right tools.

You don’t deserve any of my thoughts, but for some reason my subconscious thinks so. On days like these, I am left alone with them & the drowning feeling comes back. My heart sinks down into my stomach and I’m gasping for air. My dreams mock me, they were silent for a week and then they returned, sharp and dull at the same time. She looked at me the other night in my dreams and said, “You were his discount girlfriend.” (What does that even mean, mind of mine? Was I found on a clearance rack?) She didn’t have a face, only brown hair and brown eyes. She stood in the sunlight with a child, perhaps a teenager, with a white church in the background. I felt like I was back up in Western MD, I could smell the Autumn and Summer at the same time as if the seasons were transitioning. But she was mocking me, and so was that little white church in the background. If I was a discount girlfriend, I suppose she is one of those professional widows.

How simple you are, how unable to be alone. You always smelled of codependency – it must be in your cigarettes. The problem is this: I can still smell it.

There are more words in this somewhere, but right now you don’t deserve them.