Forward-Thinking Madness

I’ve got a lot to write, but unfortunately it’s trapped very tightly in my mind right now. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I can’t sit down for a moment to write anything out. I did manage to get to the Straz Center on Sunday to meet Amy Tan, and I have a 5k to run this weekend in Melbourne, but I’ll catch up on those things later. Perhaps after the weekend, I’ll be able to sit down and add a few entries that I’ve written down, but haven’t translated to here.

I only volunteered at the Triathlon this weekend, but it was an awesome experience. I really needed to get motivated and inspired as I tend to caught up in my fears (mainly swimming in open water.) I worked in the transition area on Sunday and learned a lot by just watching the athletes. The pros really have fast transitions – they make it look easy! (And we all know that a triathlon isn’t easy.) I think I am going to try to get a relay team together for my first Tri, and then keep focused on the Health First Triathlon in Melbourne in October.

In addition to being inspired by the pros, there were many disabled athletes competing on Sunday. It made me realize that I honestly have no excuse to not complete one – the only thing holding me back is fear and a negative mindset that I cannot do it. I know I can - I just need to believe that 24/7.

I now officially have a low-grade fever and zero appetite. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and jumped the gun – I decided to run. Then, I felt great after running so I headed to the gym and did Body Combat. I got home, felt a bit tired, but still managed to run errands and pick up what I need for the party Saturday night. Within an hour of getting home, the fever returned along with the tightness in my chest. I don’t have asthma, but all the pollen in the air is really getting to me, making it hard to breathe. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I was supposed to get together with a friend this evening for dinner, but I had to cancel that. I have to rest and get better for this weekend. This pseudo-sinus infection will not defeat me! I just cannot be so damned stubborn and just bounce back into running and the like when I know I’m still battling being sick. I didn’t feel 100% this morning, but I felt about 85% – and once I had the adrenaline going, I kept going….and then my body said, “You know? No. No this isn’t working – here’s a fever for you.”

I haven’t been “sick” in over a year. Last time I had to cancel anything, or miss work, was last April when I had food poisoning (Campylobacter – eew). My immune system is pretty strong (and I am pretty stubborn) so I am hoping I can knock this out of my system by tomorrow afternoon.

This allergy season has been quite eventful. Due to the cold winter here in Florida, the trees bloomed late and now we are all surrounded by & covered in tree pollen. I am absolutely miserable and had to break down and buy one of those sinus cleaning systems where you shoot hot salt water up your nose to clear out your sinuses. It does work, but I’m still feeling run down. I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep will cure that by tomorrow. I get so frustrated when I cannot run or go to the gym. In fact I get miserable. I’m antsy sitting here. I keep thinking, “Well, maybe I could just run a mile” but then I know that will impede my body’s ability to recover from this. So I am sitting here being entirely lazy and wishing for the rain to come and wash all of the pollen away so I can breathe again.

I have to say that this particular 5k had its share of ups and downs. I woke up at 5:07 AM and proceeded to go through my normal routine before a 5k: breakfast, hydration, stretching, pacing, and getting my hair sufficiently out of my face. I left the house around 6:10 AM thinking that I would have plenty of time. The traffic started just before crossing the causeway to Clearwater beach, but it was barely 6:30 and I thought I had plenty of time. Well, I didn’t reach the parking garage until 7:07 AM and had to run down about 7 flights of stairs (a good warm-up BTW), only to get to the start line with 15 minutes to spare. I had just enough time to use the port-o-potty (eew), scavenge for safety pins for my bib (forgot them!) and try to locate my roommate. (I was supposed to have met up with her there but unfortunately we could not locate each other in the madness of the crowd.) I made my way to the start area and the run began around 7:36 AM. Much to my chagrin, the 5k and 15k started at the same time, and the walkers did not heed the announcer’s pre-race advice of keeping to the right. I had to weave in and out of walkers, sometimes four or five walkers wide, to make my way. My first mile was about 15 seconds slower than usual as I had to maneuver around walkers. (Don’t get me wrong – nothing wrong with walking and kudos to those who walked the 3.1 miles, but please, please let those of us who jog/run by so we are able to attempt to post a PR!)

I almost didn’t spot the turn-around at mile 1.5 and thankfully heeded the warning of those around me that we had to run up the bridge a bit, and then turn around. (And I only trained on hills a few times since my last race…that was a slow crawl up the incline of the bridge, but I think I’d rather run uphill than downhill.) I turned around, barreled down the hill (I cannot recall how many times I said, “On your left!” and no one flinched. I thought I had read a rule beforehand that no earphones were allowed on the course, but I may have been wrong?) The last mile was easy – the pack had loosened up a bit as we left the walkers behind.

I crossed the finish at 33:25, wishing it had been 32:45 as I had planned, but I was happy nonetheless. I only took three quick walk breaks of 10 seconds (which in the end would have made a big difference in my time – I need to train on more hills to avoid this in the future), and still felt energetic after. The post-race breakfast was nice, even with the long line, and loved being on the beach. The weather was perfect: not too warm, sunny and a light wind.

All in all it was a nice experience – hopefully if I run this next year, they will correct the traffic & parking issues, and heed a better warning to the walkers. Maybe I’ll even be ready to run the 15k distance!

There are some evenings that I run in which it almost seems effortless. I am able to locate “the zone” and just move my legs with ease. It’s almost as if I am on automatic. I love runs like this – it’s the thought of finding that place in my mind when running that keeps me coming back for more. Last night I only ran 3.42 miles, but I felt amazing afterward, as if a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was relaxed and at peace. I have a 5k coming up on 4/10 – I’ll be running this most likely with a friend, so I am not sure if it will be a PR. I’m aiming for a PR on the next one – 5/8 in Melbourne. I’m hoping to be far more cool, calm & collected for that race compared to the one I ran on 3/13.

I have felt so out of sorts the past couple weeks due to stress. I get to the point where there’s so much on my plate to deal with, I just shut off. It’s a bad habit of mine that I haven’t been able to completely conquer. I forced myself to go to the gym tonight so I could wash away the stress of the day. I felt like there was so much weight on my shoulders and I could not bear it. My back literally hurt from this imagined weight. So, I made myself get on that stationary bike for RPM class and rode off the stress. Temporarily. It always returns. It will return tomorrow morning as soon as my alarm goes off. I feel like have no support system whatsoever and I am partially to blame for this. I have a hard time trusting people anymore. I know why, and yes knowing if the first step to correcting a problem like this, but I can’t seem to get to step two. I want to get out more often & relate & be social, but something inside holds me back. I keep thinking: what if I am betrayed again? What if this person turns out to be a complete jerk? What if this person turns out to be a raging sociopath? I swear, I think these things. Now the social part of me is itching to just got out and be myself again, but for some reason it’s like pulling teeth to actually … “return to me.” Why in the hell this process has been so difficult is beyond me. No wait, it’s not beyond me: It is me. I need to shake this. I need to get myself out of this overload of emotions and just be myself again. I just get so upset that there isn’t anyone there to simply say: “Everything will be OK.” It’s all I want to hear, but no one is saying it. I’m not even saying it. My roommate tells me to trust in God as it’s in His hands, but I have a hard time put that much trust into anyone or anything. I can’t even believe in myself or have faith in myself right now, how can I have faith in God?

So, I am having a massive internal argument tonight and I am hoping that I get through it without driving myself crazy, or keeping me awake all night. When you’re stressed out, you do feel sick. Your body is working overtime trying to respond to the fight or flight response, and you end up exhausted.

I am exhausted.

I just don’t know how to get from this point to the next step. I keep waiting for a sign or a premonition, or even an inkling of the future, but there’s nothing there. I’ve always relied on my gut feeling as it’s steered me in the right direction before, but I’m not feeling anything right now. Perhaps it’s because of this exhaustion. I need to find a quiet place in my life and try to listen harder, away from all the chaos and noise.

I’ve been reading about genetically-modified foods lately and it has me a little concerned. I cannot afford to eat an entirely organic diet, so I am quite curious to know how much GMF’s I actually eat. Of course, in the United States the FDA does not require corporations to disclose which food products are considered genetically modified. Corn & soybeans are the current crops that are widely distributed in the US that are genetically-modified. The more and more I read on this subject, the more I wish I could grow my own garden. I also wish that organic foods were far more affordable and not considered a luxury item. However, I’m sure I’ve been consuming these products since they’ve been distributed starting back in the 1990′s.

How can one avoid GMF’s? Start here.

Happy to have finished my fourth 5k – I didn’t run my PR, but was very close at 33:47 (10:53 pace.) I took two extra walk breaks: a 10-second and a 15-second, that I should not have taken. I planned my walk breaks, but I made the mistake of running on an empty stomach. Now I know that I should have forced myself to eat something when I woke up at 6 AM. This was the first 5k I ran in March 2009, so naturally I wanted to run it again (and I beat my time from last year.) This is more of a warm-up run as I plan on running two more before the end of April. I’m determined to get sub-33:00. (I’m not a fast runner, but I’m not quite a penguin either.)

I’m thinking of doing one more 5k before the one in Clearwater on 4/10, but I’ll decide this week. All in all, I feel great!

Edit 3/14/10: my chip time was 33:21!

I hear it a lot from people, that I do too much: running, cycling, weights, etc..but in all honestly I only spend an average of 6-8 hours at the gym a week. I don’t think that’s a problem and I know when I feel an injury coming on, I need to take a break. And I do that. I listen to my body when it tells me that it’s time to rest because I know that if I don’t, it’s going to lead to an injury. I’ve been battling fatigue on and off lately but I know it’s due to my own internal stress, not by doing “too much.” So what is my plan on combating the stress? Well, I took Body Flow at the gym today, which is a Tai Chi/Yoga/Pilates class, which was indeed relaxing.

The thing is that I know if I stop doing this, I think I’d go batty. It’s been a part of my life for the past four years and has kept away the depression that I battled for years. I enjoy it & I love the feeling of running across a finish line. I know this isn’t for everyone, but it’s for me.