Forward-Thinking Madness

I had the final follow-up with my OB-GYN on Friday.  I’m still mulling over it all.  I hate doctors that assume that since a woman has been through some sort of traumatic sexual experience (or experiences) that she imagines her pelvic pain…  And I never say the right things during doctor appointments.  Sometimes freezes in me – I lose all ability to form coherent sentences.  I’m nervous to begin with, especially at the sight of those stirrups (horrible, horrible contraptions), those giant posters of the female productive organs that tend to glare at you, a bunch of pregnant women in the waiting room peering at you wondering if I’m expecting too, and then a nurse telling you to take your pants off.  I guess I’ve never been one of those women who is in tune with their body.  I’ve gone 28 years ignoring mine – only until recently have I been forced to listen to it.  (Only until I shed 40+ pounds over the past year did I even want to look at it.)

So back to Friday and my OB-GYN, who tells me again, yes, I confirmed that you indeed have endometriosis (Yes, I know, I was diagnosed back in 2002, thanks), and yes, you may still be having pain, but I don’t know what it could possibly be from.  We discussed the cystoscopy from 4/27, and how yes, my bladder is irritated and how it is the area adjacent to my uterus.  (TMI.)  Solution?  None given besides the dread of a shot that began with the word “Depo-.”
Oh wait, here, have a prescription for Ultram – this will help the pain. I didn’t want to give you any pain medication four months ago when you were reporting pain, but you’ve waited long enough for me to realize that you’re not drug seeking.  Oh, and here’s a $25 coupon you can use three times!  Yay!

I’d be a bit angrier if the “Endo” hadn’t decided to hibernate for a bit.  The pain is minimal, save for the bladder irritation which remains.  (My bladder severely dislikes Starbucks coffee; what makes it different from McDonald’s coffee?)  I’ve gone back to doing cardio at the gym 3-4 times a week which always helps the pain in a far more natural manner…but I’m still cross over the entire thing.  The pain isn’t imagined.  If it is, I have one hell of an imagination.

I finally decided, yet after another visit to the doctor in which I did not properly vocalize all of the pain I was in, to keep a journal that tracks my pain. I started it yesterday after suffering from a severe bout of…pain. (I need to seek out a thesaurus and find other synonyms for the word “pain.”) The journal is actually a sketchbook I recieved from Veer – you have to love those Veer freebies. (Perhaps if a bout of inspiration hits me, I’ll actually sketch something. The last time I was able to draw anything was June 2006.) I hope this journal will establish a pattern, or at least assist me in communicating all that I am going through to my doctor.
….And after consulting thesaurus.com, here are some lovely alternatives for pain: affliction, agony, anguish, anxiety, bitterness, despondency, distress, grief, heartache, hurt, malaise, martyrdom, misery, rack, sadness, shock, suffering, torment, torture, travail, tribulation, woe, worry, wretchedness.

I am not sure if any of those really fit. I suppose I’ll stick with..”pain.”

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2002 through surgery. Here I am again, after another surgery (laproscopy), in severe pain and wondering why do I have to have this thing called endometriosis? Can I trade it for another illness? Something more manageable and direct – something that can be cured. My doctor prescribed me Vicodin for the pain and it barely touches it. The pain is still there and it’s quite acute at times. It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon, with said Vicodin in my system, and I want to go lie down and curl up – and remember a time when I didn’t have any pain.