Forward-Thinking Madness

I’m reminded again tonight of my friend, Jim, who killed himself on Wednesday May 20, 2009. I will carry with me for the rest of my life the guilt that I wasn’t there for you when your demons reared their ugly heads and professed their need to take over your life – I was so selfish and hung up on my own domestic issues I could not be the friend you needed. I hope you forgive me and know how much I cared about you. If I could have just seen you one more time…. I know I will not see you again in this lifetime, but I will see you somewhere along the line. I hope you have the answers that you so desperately sought, that I could not give you.

I haven’t been “saying” much lately as there isn’t much I can say. I’m just sticking to the routine and living my life with one goal in mind: to be happy. I see so many people out there right now who are not happy with their lives and it’s difficult for me to be around them. I am not in that place right now and I let myself get too affected by their lives…there I go with my inability to separate sympathy and empathy again. I find that right now I am in need of a detox of drama and negativity. I’m sticking close to the people who bring happiness and positivity in my life because that is what I need. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. I don’t want to write about things, I don’t want to talk about what’s going on in my mind. My own inner dialogue is plenty satisfactory.

A week of ups and downs. Or has it been a month? Today was my mother’s birthday and this day has historically been trying. Today was no exception. She would have been 63. But I digress – perhaps the “blah” of the day was all in my head.

Why is it that I feel like I am constantly talking to brick walls in my life? Why is it that when I need someone to listen to me for once, I feel like there is no one there? This perplexes me. I am without my long runs for now, and my long runs always served as a stress relief and a way to release everything that is bothering me. Without those 4-6 miles of solitude and mother nature, I am lost. This injury is having much more of a mental effect on me than physical. Here I am sitting alone on a Tuesday night dealing with utter internal chaos and I must deal with it on my own, as I normally do. Why? Because I’m the trooper. Because I’ve done it before, so I’ll keep doing it over and over again. I battled my demons and won, so naturally I must be completely capable of every other damn battle in my life, right? Naturally. I think I need to do some serious re-arranging in my life.

I know this may sound odd, being that I am very active, but I have hypertension. How is this possible? I think it’s written in my genes. I called my dad a few weeks back and asked him when his hypertension started and he replied that it was in his mid-30′s. OK, that’s where I am heading as I will be 33 this year. He was also very active when hypertension hit him – he was running up to 5-6 miles and cycling. I took my blood pressure on Friday (granted I had Sudafed in my system for my sinuses, and drank a cup of coffee that morning), but my blood pressure was 147/97. That’s insane, especially for someone who runs, bikes, etc etc. On a normal day, my blood pressure is around 136/90, which isn’t terrible, but it isn’t that great either, so I am looking for ways to bring it down ten points without having to see a doctor (seeing as I do not have health insurance right now and would have to pay out of pocket.)

Diuretics (water pills) can bring down blood pressure – I’ve taken one today because I can feel that my BP is high. (And when you can feel it, that’s not good.) I took RPM at the gym this morning and that brought it down, but it shot back up again about an hour later. I stopped in at the health food store around the corner and purchased Hibiscus Tea, which I read if drank regularly, can lower systolic blood pressure. (I’m sitting here sipping it as I type this, not bad. Apparently it’s good hot or iced.) I’m also reading up on the DASH Diet as another way to get my blood pressure to normal levels. It just involves eating more whole grains (although I think I eat enough of that already), fruits, vegetables, fish and low-fat dairy goods. I am going to have to cut back on sodium, which will be hard as most of the pre-packaged diet foods I eat are high in sodium. (Which is shame – I guess Lean Cuisine feels they need to pour salt all over the food to make up for the lower fat, but I beg to differ.) I think if I can cut back on the sodium, I’ll notice a definite improvement. (And we all know how Americans love their sodium.)

The last thing that I need to do is to just calm down. My stress levels need to be severely reduced. I really need to work on this one more than any others as it doesn’t matter how much I exercise or how health I eat, if I am a giant ball of stress all of the time, my blood pressure will still remain high.

I’ve got a lot to write, but unfortunately it’s trapped very tightly in my mind right now. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I can’t sit down for a moment to write anything out. I did manage to get to the Straz Center on Sunday to meet Amy Tan, and I have a 5k to run this weekend in Melbourne, but I’ll catch up on those things later. Perhaps after the weekend, I’ll be able to sit down and add a few entries that I’ve written down, but haven’t translated to here.

I now officially have a low-grade fever and zero appetite. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and jumped the gun – I decided to run. Then, I felt great after running so I headed to the gym and did Body Combat. I got home, felt a bit tired, but still managed to run errands and pick up what I need for the party Saturday night. Within an hour of getting home, the fever returned along with the tightness in my chest. I don’t have asthma, but all the pollen in the air is really getting to me, making it hard to breathe. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I was supposed to get together with a friend this evening for dinner, but I had to cancel that. I have to rest and get better for this weekend. This pseudo-sinus infection will not defeat me! I just cannot be so damned stubborn and just bounce back into running and the like when I know I’m still battling being sick. I didn’t feel 100% this morning, but I felt about 85% – and once I had the adrenaline going, I kept going….and then my body said, “You know? No. No this isn’t working – here’s a fever for you.”

I haven’t been “sick” in over a year. Last time I had to cancel anything, or miss work, was last April when I had food poisoning (Campylobacter – eew). My immune system is pretty strong (and I am pretty stubborn) so I am hoping I can knock this out of my system by tomorrow afternoon.

This allergy season has been quite eventful. Due to the cold winter here in Florida, the trees bloomed late and now we are all surrounded by & covered in tree pollen. I am absolutely miserable and had to break down and buy one of those sinus cleaning systems where you shoot hot salt water up your nose to clear out your sinuses. It does work, but I’m still feeling run down. I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep will cure that by tomorrow. I get so frustrated when I cannot run or go to the gym. In fact I get miserable. I’m antsy sitting here. I keep thinking, “Well, maybe I could just run a mile” but then I know that will impede my body’s ability to recover from this. So I am sitting here being entirely lazy and wishing for the rain to come and wash all of the pollen away so I can breathe again.

I have felt so out of sorts the past couple weeks due to stress. I get to the point where there’s so much on my plate to deal with, I just shut off. It’s a bad habit of mine that I haven’t been able to completely conquer. I forced myself to go to the gym tonight so I could wash away the stress of the day. I felt like there was so much weight on my shoulders and I could not bear it. My back literally hurt from this imagined weight. So, I made myself get on that stationary bike for RPM class and rode off the stress. Temporarily. It always returns. It will return tomorrow morning as soon as my alarm goes off. I feel like have no support system whatsoever and I am partially to blame for this. I have a hard time trusting people anymore. I know why, and yes knowing if the first step to correcting a problem like this, but I can’t seem to get to step two. I want to get out more often & relate & be social, but something inside holds me back. I keep thinking: what if I am betrayed again? What if this person turns out to be a complete jerk? What if this person turns out to be a raging sociopath? I swear, I think these things. Now the social part of me is itching to just got out and be myself again, but for some reason it’s like pulling teeth to actually … “return to me.” Why in the hell this process has been so difficult is beyond me. No wait, it’s not beyond me: It is me. I need to shake this. I need to get myself out of this overload of emotions and just be myself again. I just get so upset that there isn’t anyone there to simply say: “Everything will be OK.” It’s all I want to hear, but no one is saying it. I’m not even saying it. My roommate tells me to trust in God as it’s in His hands, but I have a hard time put that much trust into anyone or anything. I can’t even believe in myself or have faith in myself right now, how can I have faith in God?

So, I am having a massive internal argument tonight and I am hoping that I get through it without driving myself crazy, or keeping me awake all night. When you’re stressed out, you do feel sick. Your body is working overtime trying to respond to the fight or flight response, and you end up exhausted.

I am exhausted.

I just don’t know how to get from this point to the next step. I keep waiting for a sign or a premonition, or even an inkling of the future, but there’s nothing there. I’ve always relied on my gut feeling as it’s steered me in the right direction before, but I’m not feeling anything right now. Perhaps it’s because of this exhaustion. I need to find a quiet place in my life and try to listen harder, away from all the chaos and noise.

I’ve been reading about genetically-modified foods lately and it has me a little concerned. I cannot afford to eat an entirely organic diet, so I am quite curious to know how much GMF’s I actually eat. Of course, in the United States the FDA does not require corporations to disclose which food products are considered genetically modified. Corn & soybeans are the current crops that are widely distributed in the US that are genetically-modified. The more and more I read on this subject, the more I wish I could grow my own garden. I also wish that organic foods were far more affordable and not considered a luxury item. However, I’m sure I’ve been consuming these products since they’ve been distributed starting back in the 1990′s.

How can one avoid GMF’s? Start here.