Forward-Thinking Madness

I’m reminded again tonight of my friend, Jim, who killed himself on Wednesday May 20, 2009. I will carry with me for the rest of my life the guilt that I wasn’t there for you when your demons reared their ugly heads and professed their need to take over your life – I was so selfish and hung up on my own domestic issues I could not be the friend you needed. I hope you forgive me and know how much I cared about you. If I could have just seen you one more time…. I know I will not see you again in this lifetime, but I will see you somewhere along the line. I hope you have the answers that you so desperately sought, that I could not give you.

I haven’t been “saying” much lately as there isn’t much I can say. I’m just sticking to the routine and living my life with one goal in mind: to be happy. I see so many people out there right now who are not happy with their lives and it’s difficult for me to be around them. I am not in that place right now and I let myself get too affected by their lives…there I go with my inability to separate sympathy and empathy again. I find that right now I am in need of a detox of drama and negativity. I’m sticking close to the people who bring happiness and positivity in my life because that is what I need. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. I don’t want to write about things, I don’t want to talk about what’s going on in my mind. My own inner dialogue is plenty satisfactory.

A week of ups and downs. Or has it been a month? Today was my mother’s birthday and this day has historically been trying. Today was no exception. She would have been 63. But I digress – perhaps the “blah” of the day was all in my head.

Why is it that I feel like I am constantly talking to brick walls in my life? Why is it that when I need someone to listen to me for once, I feel like there is no one there? This perplexes me. I am without my long runs for now, and my long runs always served as a stress relief and a way to release everything that is bothering me. Without those 4-6 miles of solitude and mother nature, I am lost. This injury is having much more of a mental effect on me than physical. Here I am sitting alone on a Tuesday night dealing with utter internal chaos and I must deal with it on my own, as I normally do. Why? Because I’m the trooper. Because I’ve done it before, so I’ll keep doing it over and over again. I battled my demons and won, so naturally I must be completely capable of every other damn battle in my life, right? Naturally. I think I need to do some serious re-arranging in my life.

Took the new shoes out for a run at Lake Rogers Park on Sunday morning – this was my first true trail run in awhile…uneven surfaces, little hills, sand, dirt, twigs, wildlife, etc. I wish I had been feeling better that morning & I also wish I would have drank more water the night before. I was able to get two loops in around the lake, around 4.3 miles, but I was completely spent after. I also noticed that the left shoe, due to the fact that my left foot isn’t as big as my right foot and therefore the shoe is looser, is now rubbing against my big toe. Not a huge ordeal, but it was enough for me to notice a couple miles in. The shoes performed really well on the uneven surface – they definitely protected my ankles.

I wish I could get more runs in with these shoes, but due to my annoying IT band injury, I have to keep the mileage low. Hoping to get a short trail run in on Sunday evening, if my injury allows. I have a 5k to run on Friday, so I am focusing on that. I think I am going to invest in a pair of Superfeet insoles to see if they will just help enough until I can afford to see a doctor.

I got up early on Sunday morning and drove back down to Taylor Lake for a quick run. It turned out to be rather quick indeed as my sinus issues decided to flare up, leaving me feel dizzy and headachey. I ran about three miles around the trail and could not muster energy to run any more. Next trail run is on Saturday at Lake Rogers Park. Meeting up with a running group – hopefully I can coax my knee into a good four mile run. I haven’t had any issues with the shoes yet that concern me, but I think I would benefit from having extra heel support. I have some old inserts lying around here somewhere. I’ll dig them up and see if that helps.

Anyway, my first impression of the shoe was that I wasn’t sure of the color combination, but I’m learning to look past it as the shoes are comfortable. (They are the Aqua/Lime Punch/Shadow/Silver combination.) These are more comfortable than my Mizuno Wave Creation road shoes. I completed my first survey, which entailed just trying the shoes on and giving first impressions, but I could tell these would be comfy on the trail. And you know what? I was right. What the heck was I thinking running on trails in road shoes? Yes, my physical therapist last year told me that I would need different shoes for trails, but I didn’t believe her.

The last time I ran Taylor Lake, I had shin splints from hell, and I don’t get shin splints anymore. Tonight? No shin splints. No knee issues. Nothing. Just a fast 1.25 miles (I ran 3/4 of a mile in 6:36. WHAT?) Okay, maybe the speed isn’t all from the shoes, I think it’s from the yoga I’ve been doing as it has made my running much more relaxed. But, the shoes helped as I felt far more balanced as my feet landed on the uneven, sandy surface. Plus, I had traction.

I’m going to find a more challenging trail as I consider Taylor Lake just off-road running – it’s even for the most part, except for a few deeper sandy areas and one slight incline. The two running trails are linked by a asphalt road on one side, and then a concrete sidewalk on the side near 8th St. I’ll have to head out to Flatwoods to give these trail shoes a true trail run!

I met up with my friend, Jen, for this run tonight – she’s just starting her c25k journey! Go Jen!!

This is an open letter to a good friend of mine, my right knee.

Dear Right Knee:
We’ve been through a lot of tough times since I started running and spinning last year. You always let me know when I’ve pushed too much and needed to take a break. You’re a big part of my life and I love you.

Yes, I love my right knee.

So, right knee, you have to understand why I’m a bit unnerved because you’re injured. I think it’s your MCL that is strained as the inside of my knee really aches. It’s not torn because there’s no swelling, but damn, you’re killing me right now. I’ve been running my best times the past month and suddenly you do this to me! I’ve been icing you four to five times a day and am even going out to purchase some sort of bracing mechanism tomorrow so you can continue to heal, but let’s speed this up already! Sure, I did spin yesterday but c’mon, what did you expect? For me to rest? Everyone knows that when I can’t work out, I’m a huge evil bitch from hell. Literally. I’ve been antsy all evening while I sit with my right leg elevated with ice on you. I even went out and bought icy hot patches to wear at night. What else do I need to do?

Just heal already! I’ll rest again tomorrow and just take yoga, but come on! HEAL!

I know this may sound odd, being that I am very active, but I have hypertension. How is this possible? I think it’s written in my genes. I called my dad a few weeks back and asked him when his hypertension started and he replied that it was in his mid-30′s. OK, that’s where I am heading as I will be 33 this year. He was also very active when hypertension hit him – he was running up to 5-6 miles and cycling. I took my blood pressure on Friday (granted I had Sudafed in my system for my sinuses, and drank a cup of coffee that morning), but my blood pressure was 147/97. That’s insane, especially for someone who runs, bikes, etc etc. On a normal day, my blood pressure is around 136/90, which isn’t terrible, but it isn’t that great either, so I am looking for ways to bring it down ten points without having to see a doctor (seeing as I do not have health insurance right now and would have to pay out of pocket.)

Diuretics (water pills) can bring down blood pressure – I’ve taken one today because I can feel that my BP is high. (And when you can feel it, that’s not good.) I took RPM at the gym this morning and that brought it down, but it shot back up again about an hour later. I stopped in at the health food store around the corner and purchased Hibiscus Tea, which I read if drank regularly, can lower systolic blood pressure. (I’m sitting here sipping it as I type this, not bad. Apparently it’s good hot or iced.) I’m also reading up on the DASH Diet as another way to get my blood pressure to normal levels. It just involves eating more whole grains (although I think I eat enough of that already), fruits, vegetables, fish and low-fat dairy goods. I am going to have to cut back on sodium, which will be hard as most of the pre-packaged diet foods I eat are high in sodium. (Which is shame – I guess Lean Cuisine feels they need to pour salt all over the food to make up for the lower fat, but I beg to differ.) I think if I can cut back on the sodium, I’ll notice a definite improvement. (And we all know how Americans love their sodium.)

The last thing that I need to do is to just calm down. My stress levels need to be severely reduced. I really need to work on this one more than any others as it doesn’t matter how much I exercise or how health I eat, if I am a giant ball of stress all of the time, my blood pressure will still remain high.

Just a quick recap of the 5k I ran last weekend before it escapes my mind completely. I’m happy to finally say I’ve run a PR and am inching ever closer to a consistent 10:00 minute mile pace. (I wish my body was built for speed, but sadly it was not. I will take endurance over speed.) My brother-in-law and & his friend also ran the race with some of their fellow coworkers.

My first mile was 10:13 (fastest mile I’ve ever ran is 9:56), which went by smoothly, but I had a hard time relaxing. I think the steak I had for dinner the night before started to rear its ugly head around the halfway point. I found a familiar face around that point and was relieved as it definitely helps to run with someone – keeps your pace up & your mind off of stomach aches. I’m not sure what my mile 2 split was, but I have a feeling it was a little slower than the first. I conserved enough energy for the last quarter mile push and crossed the finish line wishing that I had eaten dinner earlier the evening before. (I’m an evening runner – I usually don’t run until after 630 PM and night, so morning runs are always tougher for me.)

Gradually, I am finding more speed, but it does not come naturally to me. I guess I need to continue with the ‘speedwork’ and hope for another PR on 6/11. (The next 5k will be an evening race, so I have no excuses.) All in all it was a great race and a huge relief to know that the training I did in April did pay off.