Thirty One

Posted on November 16, 2008

Thirty one…you’re sneaking up on me, you cheeky bastard.  Life is passing by too quickly.  I need to stop more often and pay attention to the small things.  I’m thankful for my mother’s genetics as I look in the mirror and I still look like I am in my mid-20’s, but after everything I’ve been through in my life, I know it’s going to show up in the form of lines and wrinkles sooner or later.  (Let’s hope for later.)

I need to take more pictures, spend more time with my niece, start embracing my artistic side again, read more books, drink more wine, and travel more.  I think this is doable.

Hello, thirty one.  I’ve got you on my radar.

New Life, Revisited

Posted on October 1, 2008

Life on the west coast has proven to be much more peaceful - I am glad I made the choice to move over here.  I love my new job and surroundings.  Things can change so quickly.  I am glad I was brave enough to keep moving forward.  I left behind one of the worst employment experiences in my life and I still think about it from time to time. Those three years of my life spent believing in a person who has no integrity. That won’t happen again.

But then again, I have to learn to trust again in the workplace.  It is entirely possible to work in an environment with mature adults that are not back-stabbing, passive-aggressive, narcissistic gossip hounds and brown-nosers.  I never thought that was possible.  I was told that it wasn’t.  I’d like to rub it in that person’s face who said so, but it’s not my style.  They know it isn’t true deep down.

In the end I shouldn’t regret those three years because some positive things did happen. I wouldn’t be sitting in the position that I am today if I hadn’t done my time.  I wouldn’t have met a man I love very much, so did I really lose?  Maybe it all just evened out in the end.

I can deal with that.

New Life

Posted on May 25, 2008

I’m settling into my life here on the west coast of Florida.  It’s amazing how quickly your life can change in a matter of a month.

Wordpress Upgrade, Etc.

Posted on April 14, 2008

It seems my Wordpress upgrade to version 2.5 did not go as smoothly as it should have. I lost any recent comments made on my weblog - which I think were just a few, but they still somehow disappeared.

I got back from Tampa this evening and I’m beat.  I just watched Return of the Jedi for the first time in at least two years.  I’m such a dork….I think I have that movie memorized, as well as the rest of the Star Wars saga.

Off to bed.

Two Weeks

Posted on April 11, 2008

Just two weeks until I move to Clearwater.  I am so nervous - I always react to change like this.  I have to force myself into it.  I’ll still be back in Melbourne/Brevard County to visit family and for work.  I need to realize it’s just 2.5 hours away, unlike before when I was living in Maryland and was 16 hours away from family.   I just hope everything goes as planned and that the events that happened in February and March will soon be forgotten.  (Work-related events.) I’m beginning to understand it’s not my fault, and that’s entirely true on all accounts, but I still can’t help to think about this: Could I have done something differently? Could I have stood up for myself?  Would that have made a difference?

But instead I didn’t stand up for myself.  I didn’t stand up to the verbal abuse.  I just walked away.  Was it the right decision? I think it was the best decision…at the time.

First Attempt at Spinning

Posted on April 2, 2008

I took my first spinning class at the gym today - it was just a 1/2-hour introductory course.  It was definitely an intense workout and I’ll be trying the one-hour class on Monday.  You definitely have to make sure you eat enough beforehand, and drink plenty of water during.  The workout was more intense than jogging, and a lot less pressure on my back.  We did sprints, jumps, standing up on the bike, etc. etc.

Spinning was the only class I had not tried at my gym since joining in November 2005.  There was something about a group of people sitting in a low-lit room riding stationary bikes to loud music for an hour that did nothing for me.  But now that I am trying to get off the last ten pounds, I think this may be the solution.  So, I am going to add spinning to my workout routine twice a week.

(But I am not going to go all-out and buy a pair of spinning shoes.  Those things look uncomfortable and make a weird clicking noise when you walk in them.)

Forward

Posted on March 31, 2008

The days are melding together - they all seem the same.  Even though I’ve been freelancing at home, I feel lost.  There’s no one to talk to - no conversations to be had.  I amble around the house in a state of confusion at times. I wonder “Why?” far too often and should just proceed without asking myself this question.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I need to keep moving forward.

I wish others could do the same.  Little things shatter them into pieces and then they ask you to pick up them up  I don’t know how much longer I can do it…..tend to the pieces, your pieces.  I’ve held them in my hands, cared for them, kissed them, spoken softly to them - and I am not sure of the benefit?  Night falls and I picture you hiding under your covers, letting this little thing take over you. Will you wake in the morning feeling less defeated and continue to move forward?

Freedom

Posted on March 19, 2008

I feel free from the stress, free from any obligation.  I’m moving forward.  I resigned.

I’ve made it through worse than this - my shoes are well-broken in.

I’m waiting to feel the freedom.

Two and A Half Years…Wasted?

Posted on March 18, 2008

I’ve had it. I’ve wasted two and a half years of my life only to be treated like I’m less than zero.  I’ve refused to take verbal abuse from anyone - why should I start now?  Everything happens for a reason - I took this job two and a half years ago for a reason, even though I was offered one that paid more and was closer to home.  Why?  Was it fate?  I don’t know.  I shouldn’t feel foolish about it, but I do.  I feel foolish for being led down a path I knew would be fruitless.  I started sensing it almost a year ago - why didn’t I listen to my intuition?

I’d divulge more, but you these days you never know who is reading this.  It’s not like I have anything to hide, but I think I’ve written enough and for those that “know,” there’s nothing else to mention.

It’s a mad, mad world out there.  Watch your back, and your front - not to mention both sides as well.  Those that may say they are your ally could just be waiting in the wings to………….

Hey Jupiter

Posted on March 9, 2008

If only you knew how much I still love you even after you’ve hurt me so many times. I see you and my heart still skips a beat - just your grin, your smile. I remember that smile when I first met you back in July, when I didn’t know everything about you just yet. Do you remember the walk we took at Turkey Creek Sanctuary? Do you remember sitting on the boardwalk over at the beach in Indialantic? Do you remember martinis at Island Pasta? Do you remember the first kiss that I stole? I remember every moment we’ve spent together - good and bad. I remember yesterday, I remember seeing you today. I won’t forget any of these moments. Something inside of me will not allow me to. Is this what love is? Such a torturous thing - up and down - but in the end will it work out? I want you back again. I want the man that I know is within you.

Do you know the last time I spent the night with you, I woke up the next morning and watched you sleep for an hour? I watched your face - you looked so peaceful. I had never done that before - studied your face so closely. What was I looking for? The man I know - the man I love.

I finally understand what Tori meant when she wrote “Hey Jupiter.” You’re the biggest planet in my galaxy, with the largest gravitational pull, sucking me in. And I willingly keep heading toward you.

no one’s picking up the phone
guess it’s me and me
and this little masochist
she’s ready to confess
all the things that i never thought
that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought i wouldn’t have to be
with you something new

sometimes i breathe you in
and i know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if my hearts soaking wet
boy your boots can leave a mess

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought you wouldn’t have to keep
with me
hiding

thought i knew myself so well
all the dolls i had
took my leather off the shelf
your apocalypse was fab
for a girl who couldn’t choose between
the shower or the bath

and i thought i wouldn’t have to keep with you…hiding.

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